A few days ago I was having a conversation with my husband and I found out that he felt slighted several years ago when I worked as a waitress...it was because he thought I didn't need him when I said "I have to fight my own battles" boy did he take that out of context...I know that he was just looking out for me...but what happens when he's not around at the exact moment I need him...I have to handle it myself...but THAT does not mean that I don't want him in my corner, I DO , and did even then. He wanted to take care of me and make me happy...he did and does...but it was the beginning of his infidelity. He wanted to take all the hurt out of my life, he did, but doesn't realize that he did. He treated me like a queen and made me feel that I was the center of his world..no one has ever made me feel like that before or since. He, like me, needs to feel wanted and accepted for who they are, not what they can become for someone else. I never thought I treated him other than with respect, love and admiration. We went through several years in a great deal of Lack of communication...cause he wouldn't talk to me..I allowed the lack to continue for way to long...I just hope that the communication we have started continues. I have to go now got to fix dinner...I shall continue later...but will post this much for now.

Outside of being sick all week it has been a fairly good week. I am happier today than I was when I started this blog...still have a ways to go though. The first image reminded me of the movie Lady Hawke...where the two lovers were constant but eons apart. Til one Day the evil spell was broke and I know that the spell of the stalker will soon be a thing of the past as well.


This message is true to me as I believe with all my heart that actions speak louder than words.

This use to be how I felt, not being able to express myself because of them. Not anymore though as I now have a blogsite where no one really knows me. I wish it was different, but that is now in the past

.

I won't mention names unless it starts up again and they have both been warned...I am great at tracking...it is an instinct...a gut feeling...I don't make accusations I can't back up...I don't like not trusting the one I love or disliking the predator who herself is married and has children. But for my own survival I must do this for now anyway. My mate and I are now talking and he is more understanding of the damage done...it hurts me to see his pain from having hurt me so...I do know that he would take it all back and make it go away if he could...that is the way that he is.

So hopefully one day I will be posting more of these

I get a headache just thinking of what a fool I have been believing him. He is saying that he loves me and only wants me, that I am his true love, but he has also said that to others here on blogstream...I know that everyone likes to have their egos stretched...hell so do I. Only difference is that I can't bring myself to cheat on him...even on line...that may change in the future...right now I need to heal and reevaluate my feelings, whatever they are, as I am numb right now...mixed up and feeling all alone...these women that carried on with him knew of me and professed to be my friend...with friends like that I don't need any enemies. They know that I love him then and now...how will I be able to trust him...time I guess will tell...It would be different if this was the 1st or second time but it has been on going...the allure I can understand of feeling needed by more than one person...but to profess their love to each other and then both deny it to my face...I was born yesterday, but not under a rock...I offered him an open marriage, told her she could have him and the garbage that comes with it...she chooses to ignore me...she thinks that I will crawl back under my rock he has made for me...keeping me in my place so that they can carry on again in a few weeks or so..I am no longer so forgiving...I have reached my limit of tolerance for the time has come for decisions to be made...Time is it on my side???? or theirs???? I am tired of mixed messages by both...she is also married as were the others...one is now divorced...but not the one that loves him so...so she tells him in pm's and emails and greeting cards and pics...it makes me ill to think of how much freedom they had...all the time lying to me and him telling me daily that he loves me...I have told him yes you probably do but that I want someone to be IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!! To treat me with respect and to cherish me and to hold me in is arms and to make sweet sounds in my ear and to fuck the daylights out of me like we were newlyweds. Again time will tell.

A very, very, very long time ago I gave my heart for someone else to hold....he promised to hold it dear and near to his own heart. I trusted him like no one before him. But like all men they mean well and now my heart is once again in pieces....What do I do now, he says he still loves me and needs me...but I know the force of his generousity he can not pass up a woman in need of attention any kind of attention, whether she is bored with her life or is suffering from abuse or anything in between...I know I was his need of attention...I craved his attention, I still do. I thought I had grown, that we had grown...this is not his first indiscretion...nor will it be his last...I have given all of me to him...kept nothing for myself and now I am trying to find myself again and it hurts. He has had several online affairs he thought I knew nothing about...I had hoped it would run its course but it hasn't. Oh what to do, what to do. I am to old to start over and trust is now gone...he hopes to win it back someday, maybe he will maybe he won't. I just don't know...I do know that I still love him and that he is a good man, He doesn't hit me or anything like that cause if he did I would be gone in a heartbeat even if I am an old bat with no dissernable skills. I have put this crap behind me several times before and have forgiven him...but it is getting harder each time to put it behind me. But I shall persevere and all will be right in our world. Ya can't keep a good woman down.